Discordant Souls
by Emma Stark
Summary: Hikaru discovers Kaoru has kissed a girl before he has. As siblings who share everything, he's confused and hurt that Kaoru can have an experience he doesn't. So he asks Kaoru to show him what it's like. Warning: explicit adult content.
1. Chapter 1

Haruhi steps out of the car and I close the door behind her.

"Thanks again for taking me out," Haruhi calls back, smiling.

"Yeah sure, no problem," I say, running a hand through my hair, "see ya next time."

I don't wait for an answer as I let the driver open the car door and I jump inside. Haruhi waves, so adorable and innocent from her stoop – I think that's what they call poor people doorways, anyway – and my driver takes off, heading back towards the manor.

I lay my head against the window and watch the trees drift by. That was my third, maybe fourth date now with Haruhi. Sometimes, it's fun. After all she is Kaoru and my adorable little toy. We can dress her up and play with her when we are bored, and, most importantly, can bother Boss with how close we are with her. But other times I can't help but be annoyed. We are so different, and it's hard getting used to someone who doesn't automatically know everything about me. Kaoru wouldn't have ordered rice pudding to share at the restaurant for desert because he knows I hate the texture. Kaoru can see when my attention is fading and draw me back with a quick joke.

The simple truth is that I'm far too used to being with Kaoru, and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept new people in my life. But, surely I can't give up seeing Haruhi and let Boss win.

The driver pulls up to our manor and I step out. The maids open the door for me in a flurry of exaggerated deference. I step inside the foyer, trying to locate Kaoru. He must be in our room. I walk up the elaborately carpeted stairs and pass several nameless maids until I reach our room. Kaoru is laying on the bed, skimming videos on his laptop with a bored, detached look in his eyes, but he instantly perks up when I enter. It's always the same thing when I return - the inquisition of questions about my relationship with Haruhi - so I push my hands in my pockets and sit on the bed, with body language that clearly says, "I'm not interested in talking." That hardly stops Kaoru.

"So, how was the date?" he asks, slightly too cheerfully for my liking.

"It was fine, I didn't really like the food but Haruhi can be fun," I say.

"Oh come on, you make it sound like a chore." Kaoru sits up, throwing an arm over my shoulder. I shrug. Sometimes, that's exactly what it feels like.

"Should dating feel like I chore?" I ask honestly. I look at Kaoru, and he shrugs.

"How would I know? I haven't dated anyone."

We sit in silence for a bit, his body close to mine, just how we like it. Every time I come home from a date, and sit down with my body touching his, I feel calm and free. There's no expectations, no games to be played, no airs to uphold, simply Kaoru and myself melding into one person as we have been our entire lives. I always forget, until I'm back near him again, just how empty I feel with my other half left at home.

"So, have you kissed her yet at least? That could add some fun to the mix."

"Well, no…" I mumble.

"Why not?" Kaoru asks. I turn towards him and see his warm smile and his eyebrows raised, as if he were an older brother counseling the younger, trying to gently push me along towards something good. He has always pushed me towards Haruhi, for reasons I don't quite understand.

I'm afraid I'll disappoint him when I say, "I don't know, I'm just not sure I'm ready for that."

"Why not," he persists, "It's a lot of fun."

My chest clenches. "You've kissed someone? When?"

He must have seen the hurt on my face, because he answers, "I can't just sit around all the time when you're gone Hikaru. I get bored, and a little lonely I guess. I met this girl, nothing serious, but we've just been hanging out sometimes, you know?"

It hurts to think he's been meeting people and having a life without me. I've been hanging out with Haruhi, but that's not the same. He knows Haruhi, and we all spend a lot of time together as a group. I don't even know this girl he's been seeing. Is it that easy for him to move on with his life while I'm gone, when all I can seem to think about is when I'll see him next?

"Don't be upset Hikaru, she doesn't mean anything to me. She's just another toy." Kaoru grabs both my hands, and we lock fingers. I try to move past what I'm feeling. I know things have been different since we joined the Host Club, but the idea that we could drift apart, that we could lead separate lives, that I wouldn't be there for every wonderful moment he experiences, is painful. I have to change the conversation.

"What's it like to kiss someone?" I ask. We're almost the same person. I can't comprehend that he has experienced something I haven't.

"I don't know, it's hard to describe. It's different, and fun."

The idea of kissing Haruhi makes my heart race, but not with excitement. I can't imagine opening myself up that much to another person, especially when I have no idea what I'm doing. When kids in our classes were experimenting with each other and trading kisses on the playground, Kaoru and I were lost in our own world, shutting out everyone around us. Even when it became increasingly clear that we were lagging behind in social experiences, I thought, at least Kaoru and I are in this together. But now, for the first time, I feel embarrassed. I'm the only one who's never kissed anyone. This must be what other people feel like, the feeling of being the only one. I hate it.

I need to know what Kaoru experienced. I need to fix this horrible feeling in my chest before it consumes me. I need to be connected to him again so I'm not left behind. So I take a risk.

"Will you show me?" I ask, looking Kaoru straight in the eyes.

He could have demurred, asked "show me what?" But he was carefully inspecting my eyes as I fought through the panic of my loneliness moments ago. Kaoru always keeps a close eye on me during my moods and somehow, without fail, always knows how I feel before I do. So if I am fully aware I am spiraling right now, then he had already worked out exactly what I want and need to stop from falling apart.

"Yeah, Hikaru, I can show you."

 **A/N: This is my first attempt at a non one-shot. As always, feel free to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

He's agreed, but now we are in a standoff. I sit, with my chest turned towards Kaoru, and he faces me, looking too deeply into my eyes. He smiles, and this pressure I didn't know I felt ghosts away, leaving me excited and nervous all at once.

"You know, other people don't usually do this kind of thing, I think," I mumble. I must be a masochist, asking for what I want then pushing it away. Kaoru only smiles his soft reassuring smile.

"Since when are we 'people'? We've never been like other people or cared to follow their rules. Why start now? It's just some harmless fun."

Somehow Kaoru is talking me into this idea that was originally mine, and I don't like the feeling that control has slipped away. So I dive in. I lunge forward, jamming my lips against his, and instantly hate myself. I know there is nothing sexy about that moment and I can't take it back. But as I go to pull myself back and come up with some apology for my utter ineptitude as a human person, Kaoru lifts his hand and pushes it lightly through my hair. Goosebumps covers my body and everything slows down. His hand drifts around the back of my head and slowly pulls me back in, until our lips barely touch. Everything is slow, so slow, and I don't understand how he has such control, not only over his own movements but over my experience. I feel completely captivated, trapped under his gaze yet wholly calm. He gently pushes his lips against mine. My lips connect with his, one lip perfectly over the other, and I immediately feel tingles shoot from my lips to my groin.

Our lips pull apart with a soft little noise, and I go to move back in, but his hand on my neck grasps a bundle of hair, sending sparks down my spine and slowing my movements down, so our lips just barely connect. He gives me gentle little kisses on the corners of my lips that make my heart jump. Finally I feel his lips open and mine open automatically in response. His tongue pushes into my mouth, and I push back, too hard and too fast. He doesn't miss a beat, drawing back and starting over, until I start meeting his pace, languidly running my tongue along his.

Every time his hand twists and pulls pieces of hair, my body falls apart with uncontrollable shivers. My mind is fuzzy and I feel overwhelmed. As we pull apart with a sense of finality, I feel, for a second, an unexpected bitterness and overwhelming sadness that he has already experienced this with someone else. But the resentment lasts only a second, for when I open my eyes he's gazing back at me, cute little crinkles surrounding his eyes in a hidden smile. How can he be so calm? I feel completely blown away by this beautiful moment we've shared, and my heart is racing at the thought that this could happen again, that maybe there will be a next time.

I smile, he smiles, and we laugh.

"You're right, that's pretty fun," I say, trying to match Kaoru's sense of nonchalance. I act as though I didn't just experience a complete sensory overload as I nudge him on the shoulder and roll down into bed. Kaoru crawls in behind me, snuggling up against my back.

"So you think you'll try it with Haruhi?"

"Yeah sure, why not? Come on, let's get to sleep," I mumble as I grab a pillow and pound it into submission beneath my cheek.

I played it cool, and I think he believed me. Kaoru is always so worried about me that sometimes I feel afraid to share my true feelings with him. Especially tonight. He seemed so composed, so in control. I simply can't comprehend that, when I feel drunk and giddy and raw. And I can't help the slight bitterness that reemerges at his mention of Haruhi. His comment made it sound as though what we experienced was so trivial I could share it with anyone. I don't want to share this.

Ever watchful for my sudden torrents of emotions, Kaoru pulls me tighter against him, nuzzling his face into my neck and all the negative emotions slide away. I just had my first kiss. It was sweet and tender, and in that moment I had felt completely vulnerable and connected to someone. I hold on to this fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and slowly drift to sleep, lost in dreams of whispers and soft caresses.


	3. Chapter 3

We wake up, both yawning and stretching our arms in the same way. We get dressed, and eat the breakfast our generic maids made for us. Then we are driven to school, where we sit in classes, goof off, and do everything we can to solicit Haruhi's attention.

To anyone watching us, today would seem like a standard day, but yet…today feels different. I feel different. As we pass notes back and forth to Haruhi, relishing in the annoyed look on her face as she tries to actually pay attention to Japanese history, I find myself focusing on Kaoru. I feel closer to him than ever. I've always felt superior to others, knowing Kaoru and I share something they can never have, but I'm even stronger in my conviction that we are different and above all others. No one will ever know what it's like to have someone who knows you better than you know yourself. No one will know what it's like to have someone who knows your feeling simply by the look in your eye. And certainly no one will know what it's like to have someone who is close enough to you to show you how to love someone else.

I feel great today, and focused, and for once I'm happy to be where I am.

The bell buzzes, and school is done for the day. Kaoru, Haruhi and I find our way over to Music Room 3, and by the time Boss how ridiculous he looks in a pair of tights, but I resist, walking with Kaoru into the men's dressing room so we can put on our outfits with what little dignity we have. We can't help but laugh at each other as we pull on our doublets and fight into our tights. We look ridiculous and we know it, and that's partly why we love this club. We get to play dress up like giant children, something we never were able to do in our stuffy aristocratic household.

We all take our places at the front of the room and welcome girls as they come in. Some of our usuals enter, and Kaoru and I, hand in hand, lead them over to a table. Kaoru is pouring them tea when he spills some on his hand and shirks back with a gasp.

"Kaoru, Kaoru are you ok?" I ask, grabbing his hand from him and holding it tight.

"I think I burned myself Hikaru, it really hurts!" He whines.

"lt's ok, Kaoru, I'm here, let me make it better," I say, taking his finger and giving it sweet kisses. The girls predictably swoon. There's always a small part of my mind that is worried that one day, the girls will see through this, and will only give us puzzled looks. But then I remember the type of girls we are dealing with. They are desperate for any hint of a relationship to be there that clearly isn't. They see what they choose to see. So when I tell them I need to grab the first aid kit, and, holding Kaoru's hand, gently pull him up to my side and walk away, they all immediately gather, like a group of larks, whispering and chirping about what we could possibly be doing across the room.

What we are doing is putting aloe on Kaoru's hand, because the idiot actually burned himself.

"Kaoru, did you serious burn yourself with tea?"

"I didn't mean to." Kaoru shrugs as I put on more aloe, before wrapping it with a bandage.

"Well at least you made quite the display for the girls," I say, pulling his face closer. They are watching, always watching, as I give him a kiss right next to his lips.

There's a twinge. I don't know how else to describe it. Suddenly I want to be anywhere else but here. We had shared a private moment last night, and even though what we are doing here is play, it still feels like I'm giving a little bit of it away. I don't want to share our moment with anyone.

I step back, putting my hands in my pockets.

"I'm going home Kaoru."

"Why? Is everything ok?" Kaoru looks worried, so I smile.

"I'm just bored, that's all. Time to go home."

I walk past the girls, and leave Kaoru staring behind me, with an anxious look in his eyes. But before I reach the door, Haruhi stops me.

"Hey Hikaru, we're still on for our date, right?" She asks, all big eyes and smiles. I had forgotten. Do I tell her I forgot? No. I guess I'm going on a date.

"Sure, let's go now," I say, putting my arm around her waist and pulling her through the big door. I think I hear Tamaki's high pitched whine as I leave, and that at least cheers me up a bit.

"Want to go walk through the park? They just planted some new gardens and I hear it's really lovely," Haruhi asks. Sometimes I'm surprised she has chosen me. She stares up at me with those sweet big brown eyes, and I wonder that a man could resist anything she says.

"Of course, let's go," I say, and we hold hands, walking out of the school and through the gardens.

The date goes well enough. We chat about nothing of consequence. How's your dad? How's school going? What's your family like? Just the usual questions you ask to keep the conversation moving along. Then we stumble along a bench, and Haruhi pulls me over so we can sit down.

We sit in silence for a little while. It's kind of nice, really. People always think I'm a creature of chaos, and let's be honest, I usually am, but mostly because it's expected of me. Sometimes I just like to sit in shared silence with someone, to feel a gentle presence next to me and not feel the need to be the center of attention. Kaoru knows that well about me. He's probably the only person who understands. I feel a pang, and as usual on our dates, I hit the point where I wonder what he's doing, how he's doing. But Haruhi pulls me out of it with a gentle tug of my hand.

"I've really enjoyed our dates Hikaru," she says, looking up at me under those long lashes, "I really…I really like you, you know."

Now is the time when a boy kisses a girl. I smile, and lean towards her. Her eyes close on instinct. She's so certain that I will kiss her. And I am too…until I'm not. I'm inches away from her lips, but I simply can't kiss her. It just doesn't feel right. All I can think of is Kaoru, in the dead of night in the safety of our beds, and it feels wrong to share that with someone else.

So I kiss her on the cheek, and try to ignore the wrench of guilt I feel as I see the surprise on her face. But she smiles, ever the Haruhi who can cheer anyone up, and rests her head on my shoulder. She doesn't ask questions, and her gentle understanding is the worst part of all. It's like she knows everything I'm struggling with, and I can't stand it.

"We should probably head out, it's getting dark and your dad will worry," I say. It's barely dark out, but she doesn't question me, and I bring her home, safe and a little confused.

When I drop her off, it feels like a weight has been lifted off me, and I'm exhausted. I'm ready to be back home, in bed with the person who knows me best. The car pulls away, and I lay my head back and let myself drift off as we head back home.

* * *

When I get back to my room, Kaoru is in bed reading. I shuffle off my shoes and sit on the edge of the bed.

"So how was the date?" Kaoru asks, like clockwork.

"I don't know," I sign, falling back into Kaoru's lap. He puts down his book and inches his body up so he is sitting over me.

"Come on, it can't be that bad dating Haruhi. She's pretty cool," he beams. Sometimes I feel like our souls were split into two parts. The optimistic Kaoru and the pessimistic Hikaru.

"I tried to kiss her."

"Tried? What, did she slap you or something?" He's joking but I'm too bothered by the incident to laugh. He immediately shifts gears and says, "what happened?"

"I said, I don't know." It's irritating, being asked all these questions. I wanted to come home so I could just relax with my other half, not relive an embarrassing and confusing moment in my life.

"Do you need to practice more? Is it a confidence thing?" He asks, stroking my hair. I close my eyes. Confidence? We always seem to have more than enough confidence. Our teachers have written countless letters home about our incorrigible confidence. But then again, maybe more practice wouldn't hurt. The idea of kissing him again was already cheering up my mood.

I open my eyes and smile. Kaoru doesn't need to say anything - we never really need to speak, we just like to hear each other's voices. He lowers himself down, trying to kiss my lips. But he can't bend far enough. We both chuckle, and he pulls his legs out from under me, swiveling so his face matches mine. He gently kisses along my jaw, until he finds my lips. His lips are so soft. I'm distracted as I wonder if my lips are that soft. Is this what it feels like to kiss me? Or are we having two independent experiences?

He can sense my distraction and gently pushes my lips open with his tongue. All thoughts drop away as I focus on the sounds he makes through his nose and the soft pull of his tongue. His hands are pushing against my chest, and I want more. I remember this experience being so exciting and overwhelming when we first did it, but now sometimes not right. It's not enough. I want more, but I'm not sure of what. I just know I'm not getting what I need.

We remained locked in a deep kiss for a while longer, and I wait for something to change, but that feeling doesn't go away. When we separate, brush our teeth together, get into our pajamas and crawl into bed, I feel even more unsettled from my day.

But then Kaoru wraps himself around my body, his chest pressed close against my back, and everything drifts away.


	4. Chapter 4

If I ever wondered if school could be more boring, I only needed to fast forward to today. They invited a guest lecturer to come speak on nuclear something for what feels like hours. Yes, a quick look at the clock confirms that it has indeed been two hours. He has to be going overtime, but he's won awards and makes Ouran look good so I doubt someone will shut his pie hole. Kaoru and I are both so bored we can't even be bothered to mischief. We just sit there, with our heads hanging, in a place between sleep and wake.

Finally, by some divine intervention he receives a phone call he has to take, and it turns into an emergency. He's so incredibly sorry to have to end his lecture early blah blah and we're finally free. Kaoru and I jump up from our seats and, both grabbing Haruhi by the hands, leave before anyone can stop us.

Today is so nice we are having the host club outside in the gardens. We get to music room 3 to change, and wait for Haruhi to come out. When she does, it's magical. She's dressed in a precious little toga with laurel leaves around her head and we can't help but fawn over her, to her complete dismay. Boss is going to flip out when he sees how cute she looks.

We head down to the garden, ignoring the confused looks of people passing us by in the hallways. Tamaki, with all his delusional sense of grandeur, may think we are some elegant and noble club, but Kaoru and I are self-aware enough to comprehend how ridiculous we look, and seem, and, well…generally are, and we have graciously accepted it. If anything, we have quite risen to the challenge.

The gardens are quite beautiful, and the flowers are holding on to their last blooms before autumn sends them to sleep. There's minimal Grecian decorations, mostly just finely displayed tables with all our nicest china. When we arrive, I let go of Haruhi and sit down with Kaoru, and it all begins again. The girls flock, as they always do, and we have tea and play our games.

As we play one game with Kaoru looking up at me in tears as I comfort him, I can only think of another game I'd far rather be playing. I'm so lost in a place between play and my daydreams that I almost slip up. I'm close to his face, inches from his lips and I think, I could kiss him right now. But then I hear terribly obnoxious cooing noises and I'm back to myself again. It's not right, with an audience. We are playing our public game, the game we play all day, where we dress up and pretend to be people we're not, people who are attractive and friendly and warm. Our other game is for us alone, a game we can play at night when we are our truest selves.

But as always, the host game is too predictable. The girls have the same deluded reaction to everything we do, and I get bored. So I excuse myself and travel to see what Haruhi is doing. As usual, she's making a killing being completely herself. I wonder what that must feel like. I'm not sure I know how to survive without games. But she does, laughing and pouring tea and telling true entertaining stories about her weekend or something she read in a book. The girls watch her, their eyes enraptured on her face, completely drawn in by her every movement, every word. Haruhi will never understand what sort of command she has over people. But that's exactly why she is so loved.

I immediately feel a twinge ungrateful for how I've neglected her lately, and pull her away to walk around the gardens. Immediately Haruhi's fans and mine start colluding, whispering about what it could mean, for Haruhi, for Kaoru. But Haruhi is smiling and oblivious, walking close to me as we amble around a little blue pond. It has to be colored, for it looks too dreamlike to be real. Haruhi, being ever practical, begins discussing how lake dyes harm wildlife and I abruptly feel less ungrateful and remember why I don't spend all my time with her.

My focus is starting to wane. I'm letting my eyes and mind wander, then suddenly my chest restricts. I have a panicked moment where I think I could be having a heart attack, but a quick hand to my chest confirms my heart is beating just fine. Then my eyes clear, and I realize my vision had settled upon… _something._ I can't be sure of what I'm seeing. We were walking between some hedges one moment, and the next we seem to have stumbled upon Kaoru kissing a girl behind a tree. But that makes no sense. He's waiting for me back at our table. I turn around, glancing over the hedges and sure enough our table is empty. But how did he get here? How did this happen? Who is this girl? Why is he doing this?

Haruhi must sense the coming storm, for I feel her presence beside me disappear. I can't look away. Those moments we share when we play our games, they mean everything to me. They're incredibly personal moments of intense connection, and he's here sharing it with a veritable stranger.

I startle. Apparently in my anger I was unaware that they had stopped kissing and are staring at me. Kaoru looks worried, and I'm glad. He should know what he did is wrong. The girl looks back and forth between us, then, smiling, _actually smiling_ , as if she didn't just ruin our relationship with her petty dalliance, walks away. I bet she's heading back to her friends to gush about this lovely kiss she shared, and they will chatter about the romantic brawl we are about to have. But she doesn't realize that when she tells her story, she's ruining the sanctity of a moment that was given to her and her alone. She's giving this experience away to any takers, and with every retelling of the story it loses its magic and beauty.

"Hikaru, what's the big deal?" Kaoru's voice is high, just like when he's trying to placate me. I'm not in the mood to be placated.

"What do you mean what's the big deal? Who was that? Do you just share this with anyone who comes along? How can you do this to me?"

"Hikaru, the girls are too far away to hear you, you don't need to play the game." Oh, so this is _another_ game, is it? Of course it's a game, there's always a game. I just didn't realize I was playing right now and now the jokes on me and I'm hurt and I think I'm going to cry but I can't here, not where everyone might see.

"How can you do this to me?" I don't know what else to say, he doesn't understand and I'm not understanding this game. Suddenly his face changes to some strange emotion I can't register.

"You're not making any sense Hikaru. I'm confused…what's wrong? Tell me what's wrong?"

But I'm too upset and angry and some other emotion I can't pinpoint. It all hurts and I don't want to be here. So I leave. I don't say anything to anyone, I just run past him and leave. I doubt anyone even noticed or cared.

I run some of the way home, then get tired and call the driver to get me. He picks me up, and Kaoru's already in the car. I feel like a fool, I should have told him to not bother if he had Kaoru. But I gather myself, and get into the car. Kaoru is watching me, just watching, but I ignore him, focusing on the world outside the window. The fact that he doesn't seem to realize how important our game is, how special it is, is the most hurtful thing he's ever done to me. There's so much of ourselves we've kept from the rest of the world, so why does share the one thing that I care about the most? And worse, he acts like he doesn't understand what the problem is. He's acting like he doesn't understand me. We are Hikaru and Kaoru, Kaoru and Hikaru. His emotions are my emotions, my thoughts are his thoughts. So how did we end up here?

We don't speak tonight. Kaoru turns towards me a few times in bed, as if about to say something, then stops himself. He probably knows I'm not in the mood and he can't explain away what he's done to me. But when I do catch his eyes he looks worried.

We don't play the game tonight. I lie in bed, with my body pushed far away from his, so he can feel the distance he created between us, and sometime in the morning finally drift to sleep, horribly alone.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter is brought to you by wine. Bless you wine for all you do :)**

* * *

We don't talk about it. Anytime he tries to bring it up, I steer the conversation away, still too angry to deal with it. I spend the next couple of days bitter, then before I know it we fall back into regular patterns. I almost allow myself to forget the incident just in time for our weekend trip to the beach. Kyoya has a house right near the coast, and we can't wait to get a little R and R, and of course rub our friendship with Haruhi in Tamaki's face - our standard method of fun. Kyoya's driver pulls up, and we jump in back, pulling Haruhi between us and throwing our arms over her shoulders. She hardly looks pleased, but the irritated look that passes over Tamaki's face is enough to hold me over for a boring two hour car ride.

…But just in case it isn't, we play games the entire ride, asking her personal questions and pulling out pieces of her childhood. I never imagined Tamaki's face could become that red. Really, it's a game within a game and Kaoru and I both feel like we're winning.

When we arrive at Kaoru's manor we immediately rush off to pick out the best room. The house is connected to a small lighthouse, and we race inside it, happening upon the coolest secluded room, with a balcony that hangs over the coast. We lay on the bed, just for a bit so we can reset after the car ride, then we pull on our bathing suits and head out to meet everyone.

The afternoon is surprisingly fun. We all play some games, volleyball and tossing around a football, all except for Haruhi. As one would expect, she is shuttered away under a huge umbrella reading a book. Of course we can't allow her to miss out on the fun she doesn't want to have, so we grab some water guns and completely destroy her and her book. Her look of irritation only drives us on.

We stay out until the sun starts to set, and as we're packing to leave I hear a voice.

"Haruhi? Is that you?"

This guy. What's his name? Arai, that's it. I thought I had made enough of an impression on him this summer for him to leave us alone, but there he is, loping towards us like one of those giant idiot dogs. And Haruhi is smiling, actually smiling and waving at him as if he isn't the most annoying person. I understand, Haruhi is too nice to get this guy to go away, but I'm not.

"Hey, we're heading inside Haruhi!" I yell, motioning towards her.

"Hey Hikaru, how are things?" Arai yells and waves his big dumb hand.

"Things are good, did you enjoy the beach today?" Kaoru is all smiles but when I shoot him a nasty look he instantly let's off the act. We both know we come first, before anyone.

"Yeah, it was a really beautiful day out –"

I don't even wait for him to finish, "look, I just want to know if my _girlfriend_ is coming in or not." I've never called her my girlfriend before, but now seems as good a time as any. I risk a glance at Haruhi, and I see the anger in her eyes.

"I think I'll stay out here a while and talk to Arai," she says slowly, her eyes meeting mine the entire time. Fine. She can be that way if she wants, I hardly care.

"Fine, whatever, later," I turn around and wave, walking back towards the house. When I'm far enough away where I know they won't see me, I start running. I can hear Kaoru right behind me as I jog through the house, successfully avoiding everyone before running into our bedroom and slamming the door.

I've barely laid down on the bed when the door opens and Kaoru enters, panting.

"Was that really necessary?" He actually asks me that.

"I hate that guy, why don't you?" I spit out, turning away from him.

"Because I have no reason to hate him, and neither do you!"

"Did you see the way he just walked up to her? They're not even a thing!"

"No one said they were," Kaoru sits next to me on the bed, "You're not making sense. She's your girlfriend, not his. Calm down Hikaru. We probably shouldn't have left her out there alone though-"

"Calm down? Why can't you be on my side!"

"Hikaru, I'm always on your side," Kaoru sighs, and I feel the bed shift behind me. His warm body curls up around my back, and I relax against my will. I try to remain mad, to go over the situation over and over in my mind and remind myself that I'm angry at Kaoru, but my willpower simply fades away. After a little while all I hear is the sound of the waves outside and the wind pushing the curtains across the room, back and forth, here and there.

After a few minutes all that's left are the calming sounds of the ocean and Kaoru's warmth. I feel his body wrapped around mine, and my heart beats a little faster. That never used to happen before, but now that we've started playing our game at night, I can't help that I get excited when he draws near. I want to play tonight. I want to play now. I'm upset and feel like I've never needed anything more in my life.

I shift over in the bed so I'm facing him. He's searching my eyes, and I can tell he isn't sure which Hikaru he is about to get, the one who shares stories deep into the night or the one as flighty and shifty as a winter storm.

"Let's play our game," I say. His eyebrows raise in question, and that moment hurts me. It was only one second before understanding crosses his face. I'm sure it was due to the sudden one-eighty I did, but still…for that one second, he didn't remember our game. He didn't remember the moments that I live for every day and dream about at night. My anger immediately bubbles back up and I'm about to say something, but then he leans in, and kisses me.

My mood is off tonight, different, and it changes everything. I need something more, and as we kiss I move my body flush to his. I run my hands over his shirt, down to his stomach, then gently press my hands under it, running them back up soft skin to his chest. Kaoru pulls back and looks me deep in the eyes. For once, I'm not quite sure what's going on behind those eyes. He's shut himself off, which he usually only does to protect my feelings when he doesn't agree with me. But there's nothing to question here. It's only games. We're different than everyone else, he's the one who first brought that up, who first started these games. Maybe he doesn't know what to do next. I'm not sure I do either, but I'm willing to try and fail.

I pull his shirt up, and he follows, taking his shirt off. I take mine off alongside him, and we crash back into each other, our lips wandering anywhere they can reach. Kaoru kisses me in this spot behind my ear, and shivers run down my spine. Even more so than the actual feeling, the idea that it's Kaoru who is trailing his lips and tongue along my neck make me feel whole. I trace my hands along his stomach, and relish in any part of him that feels slightly different than me. He once said that kissing Haruhi could be "fun." "Fun" is far too frivolous a term for what we are doing. As he runs his hands over my scalp, tugging harshly on my hair, I feel my entire body responding, crying out for his every touch and kiss. Whatever my body needs, he instantly provides, diving his tongue deep into my mouth or trailing his fingers in just that perfect spot.

We have to keep going. I grab his belt and rip it off, and he's there with me, unbuttoning my pants. We both break away, breathing heavily, as we remove our pants in one brief second then we are crashing back into each other. My hands rest hesitantly on his boxers, and I'm trying to think of what move I want to take next, but I can't think…I can't think. Kaoru is suddenly thrusting against me, moving his body against mine and my hands fall away from his boxers, all rational thought overcome by desire. Skin is brushing skin and my body is moving in a way that feels natural and perfect and I feel hot and sweaty and I don't care. I just know I need more, we need to be closer and deeper and I'm not even sure what that means but I feel so incredibly close to discovering the answer and then Kaoru latches his mouth onto my earlobe-

I fucked up.

I didn't mean to come, it just happened so suddenly. My body kept reaching and reaching and I couldn't stop it. Part of me has the distinct feeling that I ruined the game. I open my eyes and Kaoru is staring down at me, and this time his feelings aren't walled off. They're very apparent. He looks incredibly alarmed.

"Hikaru…" He trails off, and he sits back away from me. I sit up, and search for his eyes but he won't meet mine. Instantly I'm furious.

"You're the one who insisted we play this game in the first place, so what's the problem?" I'm yelling too loudly but I don't care. How can he have that look on his face like he doesn't know what to do with me?

"Hikaru, I thought it was just a game, I thought I was helping you-"

"It _is_ just a game, although I hardly need help for what it's worth! Maybe you need help! I'm the one with the girlfriend!"

"Exactly Hikaru. Do you even like Haruhi?"

Really? Is this the time for this conversation? What even was this? He takes the pause in the conversation to continue, "I'm just really worried, first with how you acted the other day when you caught me with Kimi, and now tonight…you get that this is just a game, right? That it can only be a game?"

"I'm not some sort of idiot Kaoru." I mean seriously, I understand how games work. I don't understand what he wants but I know what I want. If he's going to be a complete jerk over something I couldn't control then I have no problems being a total jerk over something he could control.

"You know what Kaoru, you are totally right. You can stay here by yourself, I don't need to spend my time playing games with you. I'll go hang out with my _girlfriend_ and since you have no one you can stay here alone. Enjoy." I storm out of the room and slam the door, feeling a sense of victory.

I search through the house trying to find Haruhi, but she must have gone to bed. The house is giant, and I'm too tired to figure out which room she's in. I go into the first room I find. Luckily, it is empty. I take a quick shower to clean myself off, then throw myself down on the bed. I don't even tuck myself in. I'm too hot. I'm still infuriated. I don't understand what Kaoru was trying to get at with all that talk about games. Since when can't we play games? It's what we do. We play games, either with each other, or more often at the disadvantage of others, because frankly we're better than them and we deserve it.

But the most infuriating thing of all is that _he's_ the one who initiated all this, he's the one who said it was ok! What am I missing?

My thoughts lead me nowhere. I'm angry, and frustrated, and a small part of me, the part that frustrates me most of all, wishes Kaoru were here to lay up against my back and wrap his arms around me. It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I do it's full of confusing dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

Once, when we were seven, Kaoru and I fought for two weeks. Kaoru had made fun of me for still insisting on sleeping with a stuffed animal when he decided he no longer would. We're too old for that, he said, _we_ don't do that anymore. I remember I had been so confused. Why did he not want his teddy anymore, when I did? I was so angry, not that he made fun of me, but that he was somehow more grown up than me, different than me. We were Hikaru and Kaoru, and yet he made this decision without me.

I had the maids make up a different room to sleep in that night, and I listened to them gossiping, assuming I was too young to pay attention, about how the little lords would be back in the same bed in no time. They did everything together, they were practically the same person. Tomorrow, tomorrow they would clean this room back up so it was prepared for a guest.

I felt like I had to prove everyone wrong. Everyone was telling me how to act, how to be, so for two weeks I refused to eat breakfast with Kaoru. I refused to play with him. I refused to sleep in the same bed.

It was the hardest thing I had done my entire life. And when I did eventually come back to our room, I stood before the bed, defiantly holding onto my teddy bear. Kaoru reached under the bed, grabbing his teddy, and we curled up together letting the pain we had felt at our separation wash away. Kaoru slept with his teddy bear every night until I decided, a few months later, that maybe it really was time to move on.

As I lay in bed at home, watching the dust swirl and dance in the early morning light near a window in a room that isn't mine, I don't think things will have that happy an ending. Something feels broken between us and I don't understand why. I've felt uneasy these last few days, ever since our talk, ever since Kaoru made me feel something other than normal. That is what is truly bothering me. Other than that one time we fought as children, he had never made me feel different or strange. He always supported me and came to my rescue, but now there seems to be a hard line drawn in the sand.

And I feel like an idiot because I'm not sure what the line is demarcating. Part of me wants to sit him down, ask him to clarify what is happening to us, what is happening to me, but part of me is still too angry. I'm angry, and prideful, and ultimately wounded. Why should I come to him, when he hurt me?

I eventually decide to make him feel the separation he has created between us. But, for the first time in our lives, I feel a strange desire to keep our fight a secret. Tamaki used to make fun of us for our legendary fights. We would blow into the host club like a storm, fighting for all to see in our typical penchant for showmanship. But I don't want anyone to know, especially when I don't understand what is happening.

I exit the room, dressed for school, and Kaoru is staring at me from down the hall. I start walking towards him, and his face relaxes. He walks towards me with a look craving forgiveness and I walk right past him, never allowing my eyes to catch his. But when we go to school, it is like nothing happened between us. I carry on the same effortless banter, and he matches me, ever willing to play along with my games to take care of me, or placate me, I'm not quite sure which.

When we get back in the car to head home, I'm dead silent and do not speak to him. We eat dinner in the same continued silence, and when we walk upstairs to go to bed I head back to the strange room that isn't mine, to the bed that isn't right, and pretend to sleep. And for some reason, my thoughts drift back to that fight so many years ago. I wonder whatever happened to our teddy bears. It's been so long, what did we end up doing with them?

Before I know what I'm doing I'm tearing through closets, checking under beds, looking everywhere for my old teddy bear. One of the maids would have packed it away, but which one? They all look the same. I slam another closet door shut frustrated. I don't know why I'm fixating on this one stupid piece of our past, but I can't let it go. Where could it be?

The attic. One time Kaoru and I ran up there when we weren't supposed to, and there were boxes everywhere. It must be in a box up there. I dart up the stairs to the top floor and search the ceiling for the hanging ladder to the attic. There it is. I pull the worn cord down and the ladder drops, almost hitting my feet. I stomp upstairs and then I'm riffling through boxes, hardly stopping the read the writing on them. They don't say anything useful, it's not like the maids knew us or cared about organizing our lives. They were just doing their jobs and ridding the house of the clutter of our childhood. Another box tumbles over with toys inside. The one below it doesn't have it either. I can't get the tape open on the next box so I rip the side open but there are only baby clothes in it.

I turn around to grab the next box, and there is Kaoru. I startle, in the shuffle I didn't hear him come up. He's standing there with both our teddy bears in his arms.

We are in a strange standoff. I haven't spoken to him without pretense all day, and I don't feel ready to start now, but we can't stand here staring at each other. Kaoru's head is down, but he's staring up at me, as if trying to watch me without me knowing. It makes me uneasy.

I take a step forward and he says, "are we going to talk about this?"

I take another step, and he grips the bears tighter, as if planning to hold them hostage. I take another step.

"Hikaru, please, this isn't like us. Talk to me."

We're standing in front of each other, and I reach out, and grab my bear. I have to pull a little too hard to get it out of his arms. I stare straight into his eyes, and he thinks I'm going to say something, but I shove past him and run down the stairs.

"Hikaru, I'm afraid," I hear behind me, and I stop. There's so much he could mean by those words, and part of me instantly reacts, fear welling up inside me, my emotions resounding against his. But that has always been one of the differences between us, one of the few differences. Kaoru can easily enunciate his feelings. I can't. So I allow myself to feel afraid, utterly terrified for one shared moment with him, then I walk away. I walk back to my room. I throw my body on my bed. I curl up around my teddy bear, and let the comfort of my childhood carry me off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

A week passes by and I refuse to relent on my anger. Every day is the same. I wake up, I avoid Kaoru, we ride to school in silence. Around everyone else I pretend like everything is normal, and Kaoru follows. I'm confident nothing looks out of the ordinary to anyone watching, but I see the differences. Sometimes Kaoru has a look of a wounded animal, latching on to the moments we act normal, as if hoping if he grips them hard enough they will become real. Other times he looks cautious. Anytime he tries to pull me aside to talk, I walk away. I think he feels that I have hurt him, but he has hurt me greater than he can imagine by treating me like some freak. I know it's childish, but I want him to be hurt, so he can sense just an ounce of what I feel.

I keep my resolve during the day, but the nights are the worst. I lay in my bed and close my eyes, and my thoughts always drift towards those moments we used to share at night. I'll remember his hands wandering over my body and his lips skimming my collar bone. My body will shiver as I remember the feel of his hands grasping my hair and running through my scalp. It's in those moments that my resolve wears thin. It seems as though everything changes once you kiss someone for the first time, once you discover a deep connection you never knew existed. Where before I didn't know I needed anything, I now need everything.

So during the days I'm tough and resilient, forcing myself into solitude while surrounded by people. And at night, I soften, wishing for an end to the prison I've created.

I begin to panic that this may be our relationship from now on, that this is permanent, when finally, one night, I hear the door to my new room softly creak open. I flip over in my bed, and there is Kaoru, holding his teddy bear against his chest. He must remember the fight we had, when we were young, and against my will it makes me smile. He even looks a bit like he did back then, all large eyes and worry.

If he had approached me during the day I could have fended him off, turned him away with a haughty shoulder. But its night, and I am weak. I scoot over, and he jumps into bed beside me. But it's strange, divorced of our usual closeness. I can't even feel him next to me, except for the slight movement of the sheets with his breathing.

"Hikaru, what happened that night can't happen again. Don't you get it? Please say you understand." His voice is so pained. Why is it all about him? I don't know what to say, so I say nothing.

"Hikaru…" He trails off.

"I'm sorry I fucked everything up Kaoru," My voice sounds bitter but I can't help it – I am.

"Hikaru, you didn't mess everything up. I feel like this is all my fault. Our world was so small when we were younger. For some reason I was able to escape it, when we got to high school. I began to see outside of our world. But you haven't. I should have been helping you."

"You act like we're so different Kaoru. Where did this attitude come from?"

"It came from spending time away from you." He said it so easily. There wasn't an ounce of sadness in his voice. It was a simple fact. He spent time away from me and was different. "Hikaru, you're not quite there yet, and that's ok. I'm still here with you. But I don't think our obsession with each other is normal. It's not ok. We need people outside of ourselves. I think…I think you've convinced yourself that you love me. Because right now, I'm your entire world. But you don't, you're just stuck. Spend more time with Haruhi, meet other people, and you'll see."

Love? Of course I loved him. He was my other half. But I knew what he actually meant. So that was the reason for the theatrics. He thought I was in love with him. How arrogant, not to mention insane.

"We were just playing a game Kaoru, it doesn't mean I love you, geez get over yourself," I mumble.

"I can always sense your feelings before you do. I know you…"

"Do you? You said it yourself, we're different now. Maybe you're looking too much into it. I mean seriously, why would I be in love with you?" My voice is raising, I needed to get control of myself. Kaoru, on the other hand, is as calm as can be.

"It's my fault really," he continues on his earlier thought, as if I hadn't even spoken, "I played a game with you that you weren't emotionally ready for. I didn't think about what it would do to you. We won't play the game anymore, ok?"

Kaoru turns his face towards mine, and I see the wear and tear from this past week on his face. I wonder if I look the same – trepidation in my eyes, a slight frown plastered on my face. I realize in that moment just how tired I am. I'm still not ok with this conversation, but I'm ready for all of this to end. I nod my head and pull my body forward until my head is on his chest. He sighs, and I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us. He runs his hand up and down my spine, sending little shivers through my body, and I finally allow myself to let go of my bitterness and be carried away by the comfort of my twin.


	8. Chapter 8

**Double mushy chapter weekend?**

* * *

When I wake up, the sheets are tucked tight under my arm, and a hand drifts down my side, raising goosebumps before resting on my thigh. I shiver and curl up snugger against my other half. His body, still trapped in sleep, responds by tugging me closer and holding me tighter. He lets out a sigh and his nose pushes into my neck.

We can never have a fight like that again. This moment, these moments, I need more than life. I feel a slight clench at my chest at the remembrance of the deal I made in weakness yesterday. We will never kiss again, but if that means I get to continue waking up tucked in Kaoru's arms, our bodies gently bundled together, then that will have to be enough. He means more to me than a game.

I lift my arm and reach behind me, resting my hand on his cheek. I gently stroke my fingers, trying to lift him into consciousness. He shifts into my hand, then takes a deep breath in and out.

"Morning," he mumbles into my hair. We should be getting up for school, but I'm not in a rush today, and neither is he. So we lay like this, wrapped up in each other until a brave maid pokes her head into our room to make sure we are almost ready to leave. Just like all the other maids, she can barely hide the surprise and unsettled look on her face at seeing us entwined. But that's alright. What they don't know is that I pity them. They all live their single lives, searching for a soul that will match theirs and ending up with disappointment and despair. I was born with a soulmate, and will never know what it feels like to not be watched over, cherished and loved. So when her eyebrows raise and she hesitates I merely sigh, and shift my body to help jolt Kaoru awake. We both sit up, wipe the remnants of sleep off of our faces, and get ready for school.

The day drifts by and I actually pay attention to some of the lectures. Well, "some" might be too gracious an adjective. I did briefly listen to a lecture on physics, but then realized I will never use this information, or apply it to my life in any sort of useful manner and tuned out I guess. It's hard to convince myself to pay attention when I already know my fate in life. Kaoru and I will run dad's business. If they had a class on taxes or international business affairs I might show a slight interest, but I don't really care that I can determine the speed of a car taking four seconds to completely stop after traveling thirty meters at constant speed, without knowing its initial acceleration. This sounds complicated and unnecessary. Get a driver. I'm quite fond of mine. It really does make life easier. It must be quite obnoxious having to worry about all these variables while trying to drive-

Class is over. Kaoru is smiling at me. He knows I'm completely spaced out. We head to the Host Club, and host a samurai party, complete with fake sword fights and a dramatic samurai-almost-gone-seppuku moment featuring, you got it, Boss. The women swooned over his ridiculous ten minute long monologue about the loneliness of the life of a warrior, swiping one single tear away that fell down his cheek. So we did the only sensible thing we could. We loudly mentioned that Haruhi was too sensitive for such serious talk and whisked her away, leaving Boss huddled in his own sad little hamster nest.

Kaoru, Haruhi and I walked around campus for a bit, then Kaoru broke off and it was just Haruhi and me. I didn't quite know what to do. I never really addressed the fact that I abandoned her on the beach that day with Arai, and she never brought it up. Haruhi was all smiles, as usual, but this was the first time we have really hung together since that day and I feel like I have to say something.

"Um, listen Haruhi, about the day at the beach, you know…"

"It's ok Hikaru, I know Arai isn't your favorite person and you were just upset."

Haruhi looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and puts out her hand to hold. I hesitate.

"You can tell me about him, you know." She says, lowering her hand and walking forward.

"Who? What do you mean?"

"The guy you like. There's someone, isn't there? You were happier than I have ever seen you the last couple of months. But things seemed pretty broken down last week. Did you get in a fight?"

How does she always see right through me? It's unsettling. Like the first time she ever picked me apart from Kaoru. We had dreamed our entire life of finding someone who could see both of us, so clearly, for who we really are, but as soon as she looked me right in the eyes and said, you're Hikaru, I felt excited and uncomfortable all at once. Part of me felt like maybe no one should be able to have that power, to look into my eyes and see everything I am.

I don't know how to feel right now. It feels like she's putting a neat little label on me when I don't even know how I feel or what I want. And she's not completely correct, it's not romantic, but then again my relationship with Kaoru does come before anyone else. What do I do? But before I can even work it out, she smiles that smile she uses to disarm people, to put them at ease and says, "I'm sorry Hikaru, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just know you, that's all. But it's ok, really. I'm sure you have your reasons for keeping it a secret, and I just enjoy spending time with you."

"Why?" I don't even think, it just comes out, and she looks deep in my eyes and I feel the need to clarify, "why do you enjoy spending time with me, I mean?"

"You don't know how to be anyone else but yourself. Everyone else in the club creates walls and projects carefully constructed images of themselves, but you are simply you. Your emotions, good or bad, are always out there for anyone who's interested to read and pick up. I like that you so easily put all of yourself out there. I wish I could too."

For the first time in my relationship with Haruhi I see what I could have had. I see the girl who forgives me for my outbursts. I see the girl who accepts me completely and wholeheartedly for who I am. I see someone who would take care of me. And I feel inexplicably sad that I will never love her. I'm so overwhelmed with that realization that I can't even speak, so I just smile and reach out for her hand. Even though I turned down her offer earlier, she of course takes my hand, and we walk together until it gets dark out.


	9. Chapter 9

Kaoru and I are up at first light. We're too pumped to sleep in. Our school decided to have what I like to call a "fear tournament" tonight for Halloween. Everyone is in teams of three and four, and the goal is to scare the pants off the other teams. It's going to be like our own personal Olympics. We get to showcase our most cherished skills of traumatizing people and ruining Boss's day with our devotion to Haruhi. We don't have class today, so we eat breakfast, then sit around with nervous energy. Finally, after what seems like ages, it starts to become dark out, and we ask our driver to take us to school. We arrive thirty minutes early and just hang out inside the foyer, trying to get the feel of the place before we meet up with Haruhi.

"Where is she? I'm ready to start this thing!" Kaoru whines, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

"I know, she should be here any second…"

"Should we have picked her up? What if she couldn't catch a ride here?"

Just then Haruhi slinks in through the front door. She looks adorably terrified. I put out an arm for her and she snuggles against my side.

"I'm so excited to scare the pants off some guys," Kaoru whispers, and we laugh at the same time in a perfectly unsettling fashion.

"Knock it off!" Haruhi immediately yells. I see she's not on for pranks tonight. It kind of dampers our fun. We look at each other, then in unison sign, "fine." We walk over to a wall and hide around the corner from some giant decorative vase. And we wait. We keep quiet, hoping not to give up our spot, but it gets _so boring._ Haruhi is all business, looking back and forth with her terrified giant eyes, and any time I try to whisper something funny she snaps at me. She's sort of ruining this for me.

"Did you hear that?" Haruhi whispers way too loudly. Kaoru and I roll eyes at each other. Then we hear it. It sounds like a pail being dragged across marble. It's moving steadily, with a perfect rhythm. I smile, thinking, yeah, sure this guy is going to scare me. But as it gets closer and closer I wipe the smile off my face. I look over at Kaoru, and he's completely white. It reminds me of a story we read once as a child about a pirate who was thrown overboard for stealing. The story is he came back as a vengeful spirit, completely soaked from head to toe, his foot still stuck in the pail they had tied to his legs and weighted. The myth is if he touches you, you drown on dry land. I could see Kaoru was remembering this same story. But it is just a story, right?

We all sit there, too afraid to move even though we knew we had to move. Finally I decide to do something. I jump out in front of it, with my flashlight in its face, and say, "this is a terrible disguise, you're not going to scare us!" But it's not a terrible disguise. Water drips down to the floor, and dark, blood-shot eyes stare at me through drenched hanging hair. The pail scrapes in long drags across the floor, and that's when my flight response took over. I bolt. I have no idea where I'm going, I just need to get away. I keep hearing someone behind me and begin to panic, so I turn a corner, do a one-eighty and immediately tackle the person chasing me. It's Haruhi.

"Whoa, it's just me, calm down!" She gasps, clutching on to my shirt. I take a second and try to pull some deep breaths in. That was so stupid. It obviously wasn't the pirate from our kid stories. I feel like such an idiot. I chuckle to myself. It was a pretty good costume. I kind of hope I get to meet the person who threw that together.

Kaoru.

It hits me just like that. Kaoru isn't here. Kaoru is missing. He's all alone somewhere, and I've abandoned him. I've abandoned my brother.

"Kaoru!" I immediately start screaming. He can't have gone far, he has to hear me, but Haruhi shoves me, actually _shoves me_ and says, "hey, you can't give our place away! Calm down! Kaoru's fine, it's not like he's never been alone."

He's all by himself. I don't think, I just bolt. I'm going to find him. I run down the hallways, yelling his name. I don't care that everyone can hear me. I can't find him. Kaoru and I have spent time apart together, but I've never _lost_ him.

I lean back against the wall and fall to the ground, unable to catch my breath. My chest hurts, and it's hard to breath. I need to keep going but I can't right now. So I just sit there panting, gasping for air, clutching my chest as if I can dive right in and fix the problem. I try to think of anything but Kaoru. I'm pretty sure Haruhi let out a really girly scream when she saw the pirate. That was pretty hilarious and unexpected, coming from her.

My chest starts to loosen, and I feel like I can breathe again. I start to think about Kaoru, and my heart immediately begins racing, so I just sit there, forcing myself to focus on being calm. I slowly get up, and walk down the hallways. Where would Kaoru have run off to? I should know this. I hear screams down the hallway ahead of me and turn through the next door I see. It's the kitchen. That's it. We used to hide in cabinets when we were young and trip the maids, or scare them. It seemed like harmless fun to us, although I doubt the plethora of maids who quit in a rage over the years would agree.

"Kaoru?" I yell. I immediately see a cabinet door shimmy and I run over. I open the cabinet, and throw myself in, barely able to fit myself against Kaoru.

"Hey, we're not so great at this thing are we?" He's smiling but I'm not, I'm about to cry and I'd be ashamed if it were anyone else but him.

"Hey, come on, you couldn't have been that scared, it's just other kids." I lean against him and throw my face into the crook between his shoulder and neck.

"I'm ok Hikaru, it's all ok," he says, running his hands through my hair. I know it's silly that I'm crying, but I am just so overwhelmed that he is ok.

"What if something had happened to you. What if I left you and something happened to you…" I'm mumbling and he just shushes me and says, "but I'm ok. Everything is ok."

I take a moment to gather myself, and he allows me to just lay there, cuddled against his chest. I finally stop crying, even though I'm sure I'm sniffling really pitiably. Kaoru takes his shift sleeve and wipes my nose. It's gross but it makes me smile. I sit back, and sit up so our faces are inches from each other. Kaoru gives me a sympathetic side smile, and I feel overwhelmed with how much he means to me, with how much I love him. He doesn't stop me as I lean in and kiss him hard on the lips. I can't help myself. I'm opening my mouth and he's opening his in response. I wrap my hands around his back and pull him as close as we can be, every inch of our bodies mashed together in the small space. All that matters is he's kissing me back, pulling at my clothes.

I love him. The realization hits me so hard I actually lose my breath for a moment. I can't believe how stupid I've been. He was right, he knew before I did, of course he did. As I pull back, I catch his eyes and it's all I need to reaffirm that he knew, and had been doing everything he could to protect me these last couple months. I completely understand why. I know this isn't right, that I'm not supposed to feel this way. I really am a freak.

I can't breathe.

I panic.

I push away from Kaoru and fall out the cabinet door. I think he's saying something behind me but I don't stop to listen. I run. I turn right out of the kitchen and hurtle down the hall, until I reach the grand stairs.

But that _thing_ is in front of the stairs and it's reaching towards me.

I try to turn.

I slip.

I fall backwards.

I hear a loud crunch.

Everything hurts.

Then I'm gone.


	10. Chapter 10

We told Tamaki the story of the vengeful pirate once. We were all sharing scary stories one Host Club, when we were bored and the girls were all gone. Kaoru told the story of the pirate, and I couldn't help jumping in with my favorite parts. We were so excited to share it because it was our all-time favorite scary story as kids. I didn't think, for one moment, that Tamaki would remember. I didn't think he was smart enough to use it against us. And I certainly didn't think he would inadvertently cause me to fall down a flight of stairs, breaking my right arm and bruising my spine and jaw.

* * *

An ambulance comes, and takes me to the hospital. Kaoru is all worry and tears. I go to reach up to him and forget my arm is broken. Pain radiates through my entire body and I scream. I don't remember much after that.

* * *

I wake up in a hospital, with plaster on my arm. It's uncomfortable and I feel like my arm is trapped. It becomes hard to breath and I panic. A nurse pushes a button on a big machine next to me. I feel woozy, then I fade away.

* * *

I don't remember it, but I know at some point we must have gone home, because I'm home in Kaoru and my bed now, and I instantly feel better, safe. I'm still in a lot of pain, but the drugs they have me on are doing a pretty fancy job. Mom is actually in my room for once, and she's running her hands through my hair. I reach out my good hand and Kaoru grasps it. I'm touched that mom is actually taking an interest in my life, but really I just want Kaoru. While other children ran to their parents when they were hurt, Kaoru was the one to always make me feel better.

Mom, for the first time, addresses the elephant in the room she has ignored for sixteen years and mentions that I should have my own bed tonight. I feel panic rising in my chest, but Kaoru lays down defiantly besides me. She realizes the futility of the request, and leaves. I curl up against Kaoru, trying to ignore the fact that my arm no longer feels like my arm. He runs his fingers up and down my spine, and, despite everything, little shivers wrack my body. It feels so familiar and relaxing that I drift to sleep.

* * *

The next few days are a confusing mix of drugs and pain. The only thing I remember with certainty is that Kaoru is always there. He has bags under his eyes, and looks like he's in as much pain as I am, but he smiles every time I wake up, feeds me, gives me my drugs, and holds me close to him. We don't talk. He knows that I'm overwhelming nauseous half the time and in immense pain the rest, and his presence alone gives me something to hold on to. We exist like this for days, with Kaoru holding vigil at my side.

* * *

I wake up, holding completely still. Dust drifts across the ceiling, dancing off the light and I watch it pass, waiting to be hit with the inevitable wave of pain that usually greets me in the morning. But today, there's only a throbbing in my wrist. It's uncomfortable, but bearable. I take a deep, slow breath and sit myself up in bed. It feels like I have just survived something intense, and I feel happy and exhausted all at once.

Kaoru's not here. I listen, but I don't hear anything. He must have gone back to school. I'm disappointed, but I understand. The last thing that happened between us was a moment I highly regret. Even now, as I remember it, my stomach turns. I realized I love him, was truly in love with him, and he wasn't mad, or alarmed, he just had this sad acceptance in his eyes. He must have known all along that I was struggling with this, and yet he left me to agonize over my feelings alone. I would never do that to him.

I don't know what happened to him.

With all the drugs I've been taking, I have been having crazy vivid dreams about our childhood. We shared everything, and lived our lives together, as one being. I thought we were happy, that we were lucky to have someone to share every moment with. But sometime during this last year of high school he became distant. When he was young, if he didn't know where I was he would cry. Now he disappears without a word. When he was little, he would look up at me with his big brown eyes and put his hand out for me to hold before leaving the house. Now he's separating from me, distancing himself as if he envies all those people we used to avoid, as if he is one of them now and I'm just the freak who is in love with his brother. I thought we were better than that. I thought we were better than pretending to be everyone else. I thought we were better than those stupid people who can't even tell two separate human beings apart. But I guess I'm the only one who feels that way anymore.

"Hey, you're up!" Kaoru pokes his head around the door and shoves it open with his shoulder, carrying in a plate of pancakes. For once, I'm not sure how to react around him. I don't know how to say, and I don't feel great right now. I'm still in pain, and I've worked myself up ruminating on the last few months, so I just lay back and close my eyes.

"What's wrong? Are you in a lot of pain? I can give you some more drugs." The plate clinks on the nightstand and I hear shuffling.

"Go away." It's a simple request, easily understood and easily followed for anyone but a twin. He ignores me – why am I surprised? – and continues riffling through the drawer in the nightstand.

"I'm just looking for the instructions. We brought them home from your doctor. It's been a week, I think we're supposed to taper down your meds…"

"Go away." I'm so worked up I'm shaking. Now after everything he is ignoring me, and I did nothing to deserve any of this. I didn't deserve to fall down a flight of stairs, be in immense pain and have even my littlest request ignored.

"Ah ok here it is, yeah we go down to one pill. Easy enough." I feel the bed shift and he brings his hand up to my lips. I slap his arm out of the way, knocking the pill across the room. That made me feel slightly better. But the bed shifts, and I hear him shuffling on the floor. Then the bed dips and he's back in my face, "its ok I found it. Here, take your pain meds, you'll feel better."

"Fuck. Off." My arm is throbbing. I don't want to be here and I just want to have one thing go my way right now.

"Hikaru, what is it?" He asks like he has no idea that my life is in complete shambles right now. It's the question you ask a toddler, to help them learn to talk through their issues. I'm not a damn toddler.

"What part of fuck off is unclear to you? Jesus. I just want to be alone. You can spend all the time you want alone with other people but if I want one fucking moment to myself I get treated like a child. Will you get out of my room?"

"Our room," he whispers, like an idiot. Then he just stares at me, his eyebrows pursed like he's trying to figure me out. And there, there's the look he always gives where he's looking right into my eyes, trying to decipher what attack, what fit will come next. Right now, I hate him.

"This is your fault you know, my arm. All I've been trying to do is be close to you and you've been a complete tool this last year. I couldn't get away from you fast enough. Don't worry, you won't need to spend any time with me once my arm heals up. You can probably leave now, I'm not completely useless-"

You know when the sun is setting, and shadows drift across the lawn, smooth and quick? A shadow passes just like that over his face, fast and dangerous. I can't even finish my thought. At some point I must have just stopped speaking because there's complete silence. I think I broke Kaoru.

"Is this seriously what you're upset about right now? What's happening between us? I knew you were horrifically self-involved…" tears start pouring out of his eyes and he takes a second to sniff pathetically, "You almost died. We were at the fright fest, we got separated, I hid in the cabinets because I knew you would find me there, you _ran off_ , and you _almost died._ They carried you into an ambulance. You were black and blue everywhere. They couldn't give you pain medicine, because they didn't know if you'd need surgery, so you just cried and cried. I sat by you, all day, every day, because I was afraid if I left you'd be gone."

He's gasping for air now, and I see the terror in his eyes and the weight of watching over me in the sags in his face, the white pallor of his skin. My anger feels so childish now. He's right, I'm a selfish idiot. I'm a little afraid to reach out to him, but as soon as I lean the slightest bit forward he meets me, wrapping his arms around me. He buries his face in my neck, and I stroke his hair like he always does for me. I'm not great at taking care of people, Kaoru's always the compassionate one with the ability to make everything better, so I just mimic the things he always does for me and hope it's enough.

He pulls back, his soft cheek sliding against mine, and I worry that I've made things even worse somehow. Then he kisses me. It's not like the playful kisses we shared all those nights in what feels like another lifetime. It's deep and desperate and says everything we can't find words to express. It makes my heart jump and the pain disappear. I've never felt anything passionate, never even felt this passionate about anything, and I actually feel a twinge of loss when he pulls away. He looks straight into my eyes, and I see it now so clearly. He loves me too, very deeply. It has worn him down just as roughly, except he found the love and compassion to keep watching out for me when I was too lost in my troubles to take care of myself. He's incredibly in love with me, and absolutely terrified.

There's so many things I want to say now, to do now, but I want to protect him for once. I weirdly feel like I need to prove to him that I'm a good person, that I can take care of him, that above all I'm worth loving, so I don't say anything. I give him a quick kiss on the lips and pull him tight against me. Just moments ago I had allowed myself to be consumed with stupid selfish anger. Now I feel so overwhelmed and grateful to have someone like Kaoru who loves me deeply and wholly. So I try to take care of him as he would take care of me. I hold him, and stroke his hair, and when we eventually lay down for a nap I lay behind him, stroking my fingers over his chest until he falls asleep.

I love him, and he loves me. For right now, it's enough.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank to all my loyal reviewers for your lovely reviews! They seriously make my day!**

* * *

My arm heals slowly but surely. Kaoru stays by my side and we fall back into an easy relationship. I try to respect Kaoru's wishes, to understand that maybe this is what he needs right now, but I feel like we are losing all the progress we've made and are reverting back to when we were each other's world and that was all we knew. Occasionally I mess up, and overstep the line we have placed in the sand between us, holding him too close or lingering in a hug, but Kaoru corrects us without any judgment. I am still trying to work on being empathetic and not completely swallowed up in my own self-absorbed troubles, so finally I permit myself to let go and allow things fall back to the way they always were.

* * *

It's been six weeks and my cast can finally come off, much to my relief. It had become so itchy I didn't think I could make it a moment longer without trying to break it against my bedroom door jam. My arm feels weak and different, but it's still a marked improvement. Kaoru helps me with some hand exercises, sitting side by side on my bed. His hand runs too gently up my arm and I tremble. We catch each other's eyes and hold the gaze too long. There's a moment, where he moves slightly forward, just the tiniest bit, and I think he might kiss me, but the moment passes, and he works with renewed focus on stretching my wrist forward and backward.

* * *

Fall comes and goes, and finally, one day, while I'm staring out the window in class, twirling a piece of my hair with my pencil, I see snow begin to drift. I can't help but shiver and day dream of warmer times, when Kaoru held me and laid sweet kisses against the corners of my lips. I look for him, instinctually, and see that he is looking right towards me. His head is in his hand, and his eyes look glazed over. A little smile creeps over his face, then he comes back to himself, shaking his head a bit and shooting me an apologetic glance. I know he was thinking about me, just as I was thinking about him. But for once he doesn't look sad or afraid. There's a small smile on his lips, and he seems lost in thought the rest of class.

* * *

I'm in class, lost in my favorite memory when I hear mention of a committee to help set up for the winter dance tomorrow night. The school could afford to have big time party planners set up the dance themselves, but I guess they didn't want to rob us of the supreme joy of hard work in setting up our own dance. Tamaki is the big event planner in our group, he definitely will volunteer. Out of habit more than anything, I decide to butt in on something Tamaki loves with someone Tamaki loves.

"Kaoru, Haruhi and I volunteer," I shout obnoxiously.

"Uh, no I don't," Haruhi mumbles, but she's not speaking loud enough to be heard and it's too late. Kaoru looks rather pleased, and as the bell hits we both grab Haruhi and make a run for it. We meet in Dance Room 4, where the party planning committee is slated to meet, and there is Tamaki, playing the host game as if it's his job, inches away from weirdly stroking a random girl's face. I'm hardly surprised. But he is, when he sees us holding on to Haruhi. A dark look instantly crosses his eyes, and maybe it's because I'm training myself to look harder, to watch people and be a part of their lives, but I see a hurt there that I never saw before. I thought it was all a game, but he must actually truly care for her.

And just like that, the game isn't fun anymore.

I turn to look at Kaoru, and I can see the same understanding in his eyes. We let go of Haruhi, and we go about learning our roles for the dance. Kaoru and I get to set up the decorations. It's really a gamble on the committee's part, assuming we won't destroy the place, but as I watch Tamaki and Haruhi talking I realize for once that I don't feel like acting out. The signs have probably been there for ages, but it's clear now in the way Haruhi lights up, in the way Tamaki leans towards her, that they truly like each other, probably way more than Tamaki even realizes. As I watch them laughing over some inside joke, I feel strangely protective over Haruhi, and decide that maybe for once I could put an effort in and make this dance something she will remember with Tamaki forever.

It won't bother me. After all, Haruhi and I didn't really spend time together after I broke my arm, and the few times we did we both felt a divide between us. It was as if we both suddenly and simultaneously accepted that our relationship was a silly charade and simply, wordlessly, agreed to stop playing. I know I'll miss her company, but she looks so darn happy right now that I can't think about that. Even Boss has a look of contentment on his face that I rarely see. I feel that maybe, if this dance goes well and they admit their feelings to each other, I could actually be happy for someone else for what's probably the first time in my life.

The committee is finished, and we head home. We crawl into bed together, for even the distance between us couldn't force us to sleep apart. I'm lying on my side, Kaoru curled against my back, when I feel fingertips gliding down my side. I stop breathing for fear any movement will ruin it. I think I'm looking too much into it, that it was a mistake, then I feel it again, his fingers gently playing across my hip, swirling around my hip bone in tiny, delicate circles. I hold completely still, afraid to ruin whatever is happening. He continues his gentle exploration of me, running his fingers up over my stomach, to my chest, then slowly down my damaged arm. I'm a complete mess, I want to do something, but I don't know what. And what if he's putting himself out there, and he thinks I'm rejecting him because I'm not doing something, _anything_ -

His lips press against the back of my neck, right below the hairline, and my entire body relaxes. He gives another kiss, a little too close to my ear and a jolt goes down my spine. I can't take it anymore, and I flip over. As soon as I do it I know it's the wrong thing to do. I don't know what I was expecting, that we would suddenly start making out and everything would be perfect? I've always been the impulsive one, and he's always been the rational planner. He was taking it slow, exploring, testing his feelings, and I made it all too real. He's looking into my eyes and I see a little of the old fear emerging. But he doesn't run away from it. He smiles, ever protective of my feelings, and moves into my chest, snuggling as close as our bodies can get.

I know in the past I must have missed so much of Kaoru's feelings and emotions. I thought we were the same person, but how much could I have actually known about him, when I made everything about me and Kaoru mirrored everything I was in order to please me, to care for me? These past few weeks I have learned to focus on his body language, to look into his eyes when I wasn't sure what he was feeling, and to really listen. And in the end I've discovered he's actually very different than me, all in ways I truly love.

Now, as I hold his body close to mine, I'm listening. I'm listening to the way he sinks into my chest, completely comfortable. I'm listening to how fast his heart is beating. I'm listening to the hint of a smile I swear I can feel against my chest. I feel like we're moving towards something so important, but I'm too afraid to think about what, for I'm afraid if I'm wrong the disappointment could kill me. So I push all thoughts of the future out of my mind, and focus on the present. I listen as his heartbeat slows, and when his breathing finally evens out I allow myself to fall asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

We've crossed a barrier now, and there's no going back to how we were before. We tried, and we failed. And honestly, I don't think either of us wants to go back anymore. Kaoru needed time to work out his own thoughts, and I, well… I always knew what I wanted. It's pretty fitting of us, the planner and the impulsive twin. I know we shouldn't want to be together, that it's not natural, it's wrong, and all the other things people say, but I always think back to what Kaoru told me the first night he kissed me: "We've never been like other people or cared to follow their rules. Why start now?" We've always known we are different. We can't follow everyone else's rules because we aren't like them. We've lived a different life, a life where it was just us two. Our parents were hardly around, other children didn't understand us, our maids barely knew us, so it was just Kaoru and me. I can't help feeling that it was always meant to be just him and me, just Hikaru and Kaoru.

I sit up on the edge of the bed, and Kaoru slides up behind me, resting against my back. We allow ourselves to sit that like, just for a couple minutes, before dressing, getting a late breakfast and heading to school to set up the dance. When we arrive, people are already milling about, quick at work. Our job is to help put up decorations for our stereotypical "winter wonderland" theme, so we jump to work lifting giant snowflakes to hang on the walls. In reality, they should have probably hired party planners, because none of us has ever worked a day in our lives and we have no idea what we're doing. But at least we have Boss calling out instructions and running the show to entertain us, as he dramatically throws himself at one thing or another. The snowflakes "need to be lifted with a more delicate flare," the tables "should be the most romantic tables that have ever been seen," the windows "should be frosted with the cool love of a warm winter's night." Literally none of us have any idea what romance novel garbage he's spouting, but it's fun to watch him flit around, perturbing anyone trying to get actual work done.

At one point, Kaoru nearly hammers his hand into a wall. As I grab a hold of his on the ladder to check if he's ok, I can sense people watching. I've been playing the host games long enough to feel their eyes on me, and sure enough, a group of girls have gathered to watch us work. I could play the game now, put on a show for them since they came all this way to see something, but truthfully I don't think I need to _try_ to put on a show, because I'm all worry as Kaoru keeps narrowly avoiding death while getting these ornaments up.

"Everything is ruined! The dance will never work!" Comes the overdramatic vibrato of Tamaki Suo. He's holding the back of his hand against his forehead, as if he could faint at any moment. Knowing Tamaki, it's hard to tell if he's putting on a show or actually so distressed the dance isn't perfect he might actually faint.

"What is it Boss?" Kaoru calls out. He shifts a little on the ladder towards Tamaki without thinking, and I immediately grab his legs and pin him down.

"How can we possibly have the most romantic and unbelievable night of our lives…with _this!"_ Tamaki flings opens the double doors to the ballroom, and we hear the faintest squeak. By the look on Tamaki's face, you would assume he just witnessed someone torturing a puppy.

"If we just get some WD-40 at the store we can fix that, it's really ok Tamaki," Haruhi says, patting him on the shoulder.

"Yes, of course!" He throws his arm up as if he's totally on top of it and Haruhi smiles, walking off. He holds her eyes until she's back to working on her project, then he's shaking our ladder because apparently no one has punched him in the face yet today.

"Hey, stop it, what's wrong with you?" I yell. He immediately shushes me, and makes a motion for us to come down.

"Kick him in the face a little on the way down," Kaoru mutters, and we slide down the ladder, fireman style because we're just that cool.

"What is it Boss?" I ask, while helping Kaoru down the last few rungs of the ladder.

"As I'm sure you saw, Haruhi has put her trust in my hands to save the school dance!" Tamaki's hair is blowing majestically back - we really have to tell them to cool it on the "winter weather fans." We don't even need to say anything to validate his insane, grandiose delusions for him to continue, "she has trusted me to find W480-"

"WD-40," Kaoru corrects.

"-WM-30 at the store." Tamaki takes a look around really quick, then creeps closer, motioning for me to bring my ear close. I roll my eyes but Kaoru pushes me forward, smiling, right into his arms.

"What is this thing she speaks of, and which store do I buy it at?"

It's amazing, all the things Kaoru and I know from supplying our various pranks. "It's WD-40, and you get it at those big commoner stores where they sell all the things they use in their homes. It's an aerosol lubricating oil. Just ask someone at the store to help you."

Tamaki pulls back and nods at me with a self-assured look on his face, and part of me is convinced we will never see him again. But it turns out even better. He comes back forty minutes later, a beaming look on his face, yelling something about saving the dance to literally no one listening.

"I found it! Haruhi's going to be so proud! I went through a commoner store, just like her! It was such an adventure! Do you know they have whole aisles dedicated to light bulbs? The things they find interesting…"

I'm so bored by this conversation I decide I either have to fix the door myself or jump to my death off this ladder.

"Where's the stuff," Kaoru slides down the ladder and puts his hand out.

Tamaki slams a box on Kaoru's hand, and we both look at it puzzled. Tamaki must have noticed our looks, because he immediately replied, "the guy at the store was really helpful. I asked for lubricating oil and he said I would enjoy this one."

It was a box with individual packets of sex lubricant. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm getting ready to ruin Tamaki's life in front of everyone, but then I see Haruhi coming over with a bright look in her eyes. Kaoru takes the box out of my hand and puts it by his side.

"Hey, want to see how the catering is coming along?"

"I'll be right there," Tamaki says, and as Haruhi walks off he turns to us, with a rare serious look in his eyes, and says, "thanks for taking this seriously and helping out. I really want this to be perfect. I mean, it's Haruhi's first big school dance…" He drifts off watching Haruhi direct the caterers, and I realize I really, really want to help him make this perfect.

As always, Kaoru is two steps ahead of me, as he says, "no problem Boss. We'll fix that door right up."

Tamaki smiles a rare, genuine, non-dramatic true smile, and I find myself smiling back. Moments like these remind me why I was originally drawn to him. As someone who was so closed off to the world and my own emotions, I was at first baffled by his openness, then drawn to it like a moth to light. He put out his feelings and thoughts for anyone to grasp and it didn't seem to make him feel weak or embarrassed. If anything, it made him powerful, because it drew people to him, people who dreamed of feeling just as brilliantly happy or insanely excited or even overwhelmingly sad, because to feel just ten percent of what he did would be a gift.

I used to desperately follow him, hoping I could absorb just an ounce of what he felt, to make up for the desolate void of emotions within me. Now, I feel I can relate to him. There's something about this night, and I kind of hate myself for saying it, that feels magical. A shiver of excitement runs down my spine and I grab the box from Kaoru and walk over to the door to shake my thoughts.

We spend most of the time giggling, but in the end the lube works on the squeaky door. As we sit back against the door, I realize the ballroom is completely set up. It's almost time. I turn my head towards Kaoru, and he has a distant look in his eyes.

"Should we head back and get ready?" I ask. Kaoru sits still for a moment, then nods absentmindedly, before catching himself and saying, "yeah let's go." We head home, put on our tuxes, pick up Haruhi and Kimi, and head to the dance.


	13. Chapter 13

The ball is everything you expect from a school dance. Well, except with vast amounts of money thrown at it. It's beautiful, and I feel proud that I constructed something positive.

Haruhi and Kimi look stunning, but it's just not right. I'm happy Haruhi came here with me, because honestly there's no other girl I would want to come with. But she keeps glancing at Tamaki out of the corner of her eye, and he never takes his eyes off her.

Tamaki came alone. When it comes to his deepest emotions, he's never one to play games. He didn't want to be here with anyone else, so he isn't. Or so I imagine, we don't really have deep conversations about his feelings.

As I dance with Haruhi, all I can dream of is how this night could go in my perfect world. I keep catching Kaoru's eyes across the dance floor, and when I do it's electric. Maybe it's the magic of a school dance, or the beautiful lighting, or the finality of the end of the semester, but things feel like they're coming to a head, like we're rushing towards something important. When he catches my eye, I feel goosebumps prickling on my arms and my heart races.

It becomes harder to hide my furtive glances at him, and soon we stop trying. I feel drawn to him, completely unable to pull my attention away, and he's meeting my gazes, subconsciously moving closer to me the longer he dances. We're hardly aware of our partners, yet vaguely attempting to hold up the illusion that we are happy couples dancing to terrible music.

Then it finally happens. The carefully constructed walls we've built to protect ourselves these last few months fall apart. I look into Kaoru's eyes, and I see the exact moment he breaks. I didn't realize it, but I had been waiting for that moment with bated breath all night.

The illusion is over.

I excuse myself from Haruhi, gently leading her towards Tamaki.

Kaoru makes an excuse to Kimi, and he follows me as I walk through the once squeaky ballroom door.

We hurry down the grand stairs, through the front door of the school.

We walk down through the hedge maze, where we are completely alone.

I turn around, and start unbuttoning my blazer.

Kaoru takes his off and throws it aside.

I take my shirt off, walking backwards, and say, "admit you love me."

Kaoru is unbuttoning his shirt, never taking his eyes away from mine. He says nothing.

"Admit you love me," I sing song, unbuttoning my pants.

"Hikaru," Kaoru whispers, letting his shirt drop off. I'm not going to let him off that easily. My hand freezes on my pants.

"You know I love you," Kaoru says. He walks up to me, and kisses me deeply, with everything he has. My pants come off, and I'm grabbing his, tearing them off his body. We frantically pull our underwear off, then we're completely naked, wrapped around each other, falling to the ground as we try to touch and kiss and love every inch of each other's bodies.

Kaoru is on top of me, and his hands are gliding over places I've never been touched, places I never knew were erotic. Every time we kiss, my heart beats a little too fast and I lose my breath. I feel like everything is finally making sense in my life, that this piece right here was the only thing missing. And I finally know he feels that way too. I don't think either one of us knew, when we started playing our game all those months ago, that it would lead to this, but I regret nothing.

Kaoru's hands reach lower, and he wraps his hand around my dick. His grip is different than mine, tighter, and he flicks the head a little too roughly, but it only sends sparks of pleasure down my spine. I go to reach for him, but he moves my hand away and shifts lower. I can't think I'm so tense and excited, and as his mouth closes over me I grip the grass at my side. Ever the observant twin, he quickly picks up my likes and dislikes, pushing his tongue incessantly against the little spot beneath the head.

Kaoru releases me with a little pop, just as my stomach was beginning to tense. I sigh and wonder if I did something wrong, but he's reaching in his pants pocket. He pulls out Tamaki's "WD-40" with a little loopy smile.

He sits between my legs, leans down to kiss me, and everything slows down. Where we were frantic before, now it's only soft kisses and caresses. I'm touching everywhere I can reach, his chest, his hair, his stomach, hoping at least a little bit of what I'm doing feels anything like when he touches me. Then he leans back, opens the packet, and covers his finger. He places them at my entrance, and I tense up automatically, but then he smiles at me, that sweet smile that so easily distracts me day in and out, and I relax. He pushes slowly inside, then begins softly stroking upward, until I startle. Intense tingles shot down my leg in a feeling I never had before. He does it again, over and over, hitting that same spot until I'm writhing, trying to move my body in any way that'll create those intense sparks of pleasure.

He inserts another finger, then I'm gone. I'm not even sure how much time passed before suddenly the sensations stop and I let out a pathetic noise. I open my eyes to see he's covering himself in lubricant, and my annoyance turns to a mix of fear and excitement. I look to Kaoru for reassurance, and as always, he gives me a gentle smile, and his calmness makes me feel like everything is ok, like he will take care of me. He gently pushes up against my entrance, and slowly, oh so slowly, pushes in. It feels weird, intrusive, and I'm not sure I like it at first, but Kaoru is leaning over, kissing me and whispering things I can't even remember in my haze. Then he begins to move, pulling and pushing in gentle waves, and I understand now, all the talk about your first time, about the feeling of connecting completely and wholly with someone. As he moves faster and faster I feel overwhelmed with the realization that this real, that we are really allowing ourselves to love each other, and I pull him tight against me, pushing my face into his neck, breathing fast and holding on. Kaoru reached down, grabbing my dick and stroking along with his strokes and I can't hold on anymore. My stomach clenches, my legs begin to shake, and I grip him tightly as I come. I feel Kaoru stiffen on top of me, the muscles in his arms shaking, and he makes a beautiful sound as he comes.

He collapses on top of me, and I hold him close, a little overwhelmed but wholly happy. My entire body is shaking and I can't seem to get my breath under control. Kaoru flips us over so I'm on top of his chest, and runs his hand down my spine, gently bringing me back down.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel alone," Kaoru whispers.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I mean, alone in your feelings. When we started playing our game, I didn't realize what it would stir up. When I grasped where we were heading, I was afraid. I just wanted to protect you. Part of me still does. This will only make our lives harder, you know."

"Does that mean you regret this," I ask, my body tensing in fear of what he might say.

"No," he breathes out, smiling against my forehead. "I can't regret this. We'll find a way to make this work. Everything will be ok Hikaru."

We lay there, wrapped up in each other, until the dance ends. I hear later that Tamaki finally told Haruhi how he felt. Somehow, everyone ended where exactly where they were supposed to be.


	14. Epilogue

In the mornings, we roll over in each other's arms, finding our lips for a kiss before beginning our day. At school, we watch each other out of the corner of our eyes, carrying on conversations with friends but dreaming of our next moment alone. In the Host Club, we play the games we've always played, but they are so different now. When Kaoru becomes afraid, I grasp his hands, and I'm transported back to our bed, where I fall asleep wrapped in his arms, his hands in mine. His face will come close to mine, and I remember his soft kisses on my jaw as we laid in bed the night before. He'll puts his hand on my neck, and I shiver, my body remembering how he loves to tug my hair, right at the nape, when he's on top.

This is our life now. We play games during the day, and play ourselves at night. And strangely, we wouldn't have it any other way. For every night, when we crawl into each other arms and turn off the lights, we know that our love is ours and ours alone.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed the story! It was great fun to write. As always, feel free to review, PM, send me your final thoughts, etc. If you have any requests for future stories, let me know, I can use the inspiration!  
**

 **As for my next project - I'm working now on an adult version of the Little Mermaid, so stay tuned!  
**


End file.
